So after a long hiatus I'm back in the game. And not a moment too soon according to the advice of everyone who is older than me and married. The downside of being 26 and in charge of telling parents (especially Latino parents) what to do with their kids, is that I constantly get asked if I have kids of my own. The next natural question is always whether I'm married or not. I've seen this be asked of other childless people that are married and for some reason that seems to appease parents, but the answer "no" always seems unsettling to them. I've even had a lady say "Well how old are you? You better hurry up!"
Lately, with everyone around me getting married or pregnant, my clients' parents have taken to "encouraging" me. I accompanied a therapist to her last visit to a client's home before she went on maternity leave and made the mistake of saying "Congratulations, that is so exciting!" Soon afterwards, the mom pulled me aside and said with a very serious look of concern and pity, "Don't worry! Soon that will be you too!" Being that I still find pregnancy highly unappealing, to be politically correct all I could do was laugh politely and shake my head, "Oh no, not quite yet." She insisted "Yes don't worry, you'll see, probably by next year!" I gave her a shrug and a semi-sarcastic one can only hope look.
The cherry on top to this recent streak of hit and run well wishers was the complete stranger on the airplane on the way back from my sister's wedding who was appalled that my younger sister had beat me to getting married. He also asked me how old I was packed with the what's wrong with you? tone. He then continued to spill everything he knew about marriage into my ear. Some of the highlights were advice on not letting someone impregnate me and leave me. Of course I always try to smile politely and take it because it is difficult to explain my views on marriage to people that are so thoroughly convinced that my happiness is hinged on this institution. Yesterday while watching Frida, I heard a wedding toast that would be my ideal response to these people:
I don’t believe in marriage. No, I really don’t. Let me be clear about that.
I think at worst it’s a hostile political act, a way for small-minded men to keep women in the house and out of the way, wrapped up in the guise of tradition and conservative religious nonsense.
At best, it’s a happy delusion. These two people, who truly love each other and have no idea how truly miserable they are about to make each other.
But, when two people know that, and they decide with eyes wide open to face each other and get married anyway, then I don’t think it’s conservative or delusional. I think it’s radical and courageous…and very romantic.
Hence, marriage for me is a possibility (if I were to find the right like-minded individual that could put up with my idiosyncratic crazy) but by no means a necessity.
I won't be sharing this speech at my upcoming appearance as a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding, though I expect I'll get plenty more hit and run advice in the near future. With that in mind my most recent date was set up by that engaged friend, with a friend of her fiance whom she described as "a very nice guy."
Type of Date: Group Date, Drinks and a Show (Dueling Pianos)
Transportation: Met up at the place
Average Rating: 5.5
Location: 8
I have to give myself kudos on this one. Anticipating from everyone's comments, that this might not be a guy I was really going to hit it off with, I chose a place that I enjoy regardless of who I am with and provides a fun loud atmosphere without too much pressure for conversation. Sgt. Pepper's in Long Beach, a dueling pianos show. I have to admit I had fun. The drinks and food aren't great but it makes up for it in fun. The best part is you are just sitting there watching and singing along so you can see how good of a sport your date is (does he play along?) without dancing or interacting on a physical level at all. I would definitely chose this location again for an easy, no pressure date. The only down side is it's not easy to hear your date talk, but as I learned on this date, that can be an upside too.
Etiquette: 5
There is no denying it. Joe C. was a very nice guy. He was polite, pleasant, helped pull my chair out when I had to run the restroom and walked me to my car after we exited. However there was nothing particularly charming or even indicative of the fact that it was a "date" in his manner. He was friendly and his etiquette was perfectly acceptable for a friend that you are just hanging out with and that's what this definitely felt like. This lands you smack in the middle of my rating system. You don't loose points for being rude, but you don't get any for going above and beyond.
Conversation: 4
This is where it went downhill. My general rule for talking about exes is wait until the second date and briefly touch on them if necessary. Now, granted the place didn't allow for alot of talking, but one of the first 3 things you lean in and tell me shouldn't be how the song "F-U" by Cee-lo reminds you of your ex-girlfriend because you just ran into the guy she is now dating. I get a rough break-up, it's hard to think about anything else, but trust me on this, using your date as your shoulder to cry on kills any potential for any romantic involvement EVER. The topics of the night revolved around his cheating ex-girlfriend and drunk stories that weren't really very good drunk stories. Here is an example of a good drunk story: One night I went out with my friends and got so drunk we ended up skinny dipping in my neighbors pool and forgot where we put our clothes. So afterwards, we were wandering around in his yard for 15 minutes naked looking for them. It's a nice full story about being drunk and something interesting happening as a consequence. Here is an example of a not so good drunk story: This song always reminds me of one time when my friend and I were drinking and this song came on, so everytime I hear this song I think about how drunk I was that night. I got multiple stories of the latter kind. Like I said before, he was perfectly nice, but I didn't find we had much in common or much to talk about, and if you think I'm going to spill my sorrows out and bond with you based on mutual heartbreak you are barking up the wrong tree. I don't like to be sad. And that is what I told him with a laugh at the end of the night when he suggested we could hang out again and complain about things.
Beginning, Flow and End: 5
Due to my excellent choice of location, this actually all went well. I got to the place, shook his hand and settled right in and began singing and drinking. Although I insisted they need not walk me to my car, my friend insisted and Joe C. ended up walking me to my car, only to tell me more details about his break up and ask about mine. I drove him to his car, and the drop off was kind of awkward since he asked for my number. I gave it to him and encouraged him to take time for himself and meet lots of new people while he gets over his ex.
Summary:
I have a friend that Joe C. reminded me of. He persistently has a crush on some girl or another but doesn't really know how to step up and follow through with making it happen. The girls he ends up with are always some version of an aggressive crazy slut that dangles him like a puppet only to dump him when some other guy comes along. My friend is also a nice guy, and people seem to mistake that correlation for causation with the whole "nice guys finish last." The truth isn't that "niceness" is the problem, its that a lack of confidence and common sense mixed in with a good amount of self pity is utterly unsexy. Joe C. let me know that his ex-girlfriend was with him for convenience and "job security" and cheated on him several times in his relationship, yet before someone filled him in, he was on the path to marriage with her. The fact that you can be in a relationship for five years with such a horrible person and not figure it out, quite frankly, calls your judgement into question. I can be friends with Joe C. and like with my other friend, I can tell it to him straight anytime he needs it, but romantically this was a definite bust.
On the bright side, I am getting used to this whole first date thing. The nervousness, while still there is not any queasiness associated with it. So I am ready to continue. Bring on the happy delusions.
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